I kind of see my recovery as a shift from being “food negative” in thinking that food=fat to being “food positive” in thinking that food is a way to nourish my body and a site of enjoyment and experimentation. Being “recovered” from my eating disorder doesn’t mean that I never experience negative thoughts about my food choices or my body. Instead, I see recovery as having the tools to deal with these thoughts and act in a way that’s healthy for my body.
These past few days have been a little rough for me. For example, yesterday Darren asked me if I wanted to go out to breakfast with him and his mom. I originally said no even though I haven’t been out to breakfast in a while, and as I’ve stated numerous times on my blog, I LOVE breakfast! After I got off the phone with Darren I realized the only reason I said no to breakfast was because I was anxious about all the calories I would eat. I realized this was completely my eating disorder creeping back up on me again. I needed to do what I wanted, and not let my old ways of thinking come back into my life. I told Darren everything I was feeling. He, being the completely supportive boyfriend he is, assured me it was completely okay to go out to breakfast. He picked me up, and I enjoyed a lovely breakfast with him and his mom.
My old ways of restrictive thinking creep back up on me occasionally like they have been for the past few days. However, I just act against them and reaffirm to myself that I can trust my stomach to tell me when I’m hungry and what I need to eat. I can enjoy food and still be healthy. If I hadn’t confronted my instance of food anxiety yesterday, I would have missed out on a really great time. It’s unfair to yourself to let food control your life. Confronting your food fears in the first step towards freedom. Good luck everyone!