I was anorexic. Counting every calorie. Living on less than 600 calories a day. Sometimes, less than 300. People stared at me. People commented about my weight. People whispered about me. I was completely in control.
No. I was completely out of control.
I couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about food for long enough. Plus, I didn’t have enough fat on my body to allow me to get comfortable in bed. I couldn’t sit because, once again, sitting hurt. Plus, it didn’t burn as many calories as standing up anyways. Always standing, always moving. I stopped having my period. Weighing in every morning. No number was too low.
Then. My mom decided it had gone far enough.
She made me eat. At first, I detested it. I hated food. I hated her. It was dinner-time. She made spaghetti. She wanted me to eat spaghetti?! That just WAS NOT going to happen. Stomping to my room. Laying on my floor crying. She wanted me to get fat. I knew it.
She didn’t let her guard down though. She made sure I ate. And once food passed through my mouth, my walls came crumbling down. I was malnourished. I was starving. I ate. I ate a lot.
I figured I had about 40 pounds to gain anyways, so I binged. Instead of eating a healthy, high calorie diet, I binged. Food still seemed off-limits. It still had a charge. It still had a power over me. Instead of avoiding it, I had switched to the other side of the spectrum. I overindulged in food. No amount was ever enough. I was never full.
Then, I had reached a “healthy” weight. I no longer wanted to gain weight. But I still hadn’t dealt with my food issues. I still used food as a coping mechanism. I couldn’t stop binging. So I started purging.
It was messy. I hated it. I hated myself every time I did it. I hated the residual vomit I could smell in my nasal cavities. I hated the burn in my throat from my stomach’s acidic juices. I hated the knowledge I was ruining my beautiful teeth. I’ve always loved my smile, at any weight.
I reached my breaking point. I couldn’t go on living my sort of half-life, almost completely dominated by food. I had to do something. I knew I didn’t want therapy. Been there, done that. Hated it. Of course, I shouldn’t have completely judged therapy by my experience with one less than stellar therapist. But I did.
Instead, I turned to myself. I started meditating using free podcasts. I read books about overcoming eating disorders. I read a lot of books. I read almost every book by Geneen Roth. I read “Food: The Good Girl’s Drug” by Sunny Sea Gold. I read countless books on the topic of intuitive eat. I stopped forcing myself to eat certain foods I considered safe. Instead, I ate whatever sounded good to me whenever I was hungry. Really.
Eventually, food lost it’s charge. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped when I was full. Food lost it’s control over my life.
I eat to live. I am alive.
XOXO,
Jamie
Jamie, I love you. I had no idea about the severity of this. If I had I would have done everything in my power to help you. I’m so happy you were able to overcome everything and get healthy again. Can I please see you soon?
<3
Erin
Yesss! I go back to school in 2 weeks, so it has to be soon! I know you have class and work, so you’re a busy girl. Will you be free anytime this week? Or weekend? Or next week?! I will be in touch.
Yessss. Actually, I don’t believe anything is happening Friday…if that works for you?
Jamie:
Sounds so familiar—very similar to my own journey.
One of the biggest reasons I moved into North last November is because I was 100 lbs and my mind was constantly focused on food and cutting calories. I remember the sleeplessness. I remember the tears when I was forced to deviate from what I had planned to eat. Pressure from my parents and friends to gain weight was stressful and so similar to you, my eating turned disordered in the opposite direction: bingeing, purging, and hating it. Feeling so ashamed, physically uncomfortable, mentally out of whack. Horrified of gaining weight as a result of my disordered eating.
If only I knew there was someone right next door who would be able to relate ☺
I really admire your openness and honesty in sharing your journey. I think conversation and sharing is key to starting conversations about eating disorders to lessen how scary and shameful it can feel. Such feelings only perpetuate secrecy and stigma and negative feelings toward the self and hinder people from reaching out to discover what is at the root of their disordered eating.
Anyway, I’m glad to have discovered how much we have in common through your blog. Best of luck at school in the fall, I’ll be missing you, Anna, and Emma!
Emily
Emily, thanks so much for sharing this with me. Last year I had a feeling you were having some issues with food. When you’ve had your own eating disorder experience, it’s easy to spot others going through the same thing. I wanted to reach out, but I was still binging and purging. I was ashamed, and a bit jealous of your restraint around food. I never really treated you with the kindness you deserved because I was jealous that you were able to maintain a relationship with anorexia. You seemed so happy and in control in a way that I never was when I was starving. I’m thankful that I’m not jealous of anyone with disordered eating anymore. It’s not worth it. If I want a cookie, I’ll eat the damn cookie. You know how much effort it takes to be at a weight below what is natural for your body. I’m not supposed to be 100 pounds, and it takes so much effort, control, restraint, and deprivation to stay that way. Plus I’ve learned that for every time you restrict, there is an equal and opposite binge waiting to happen. It’s so much easier to live at the weight that is natural for your body. To eat whatever you want when you’re hungry. To move when you want to move. To rest when you want to rest. It’s freedom, and I never want to go back.
Good luck in Paris this coming semester! I’ll be thinking about you often, and I’m already excited to see you this spring! If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here for you!
Beautiful post! And you know I can relate all too well to it. You are so strong and while it is a never ending journey never forget how far you have come. You’re awesome to share this!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog Tina! Your blog was a major source of inspiration for me while I was recovering, and I still continue to read on a daily basis. I’m a really big fan of yours!!
Jamie,
A friend showed me this blog because she knows that I have had a serious battle with anorexia and bulimia in the past. You story is so very similar to mine, only I was so stubborn and resistant to any help that was offered to me. After seeing my mother cry every time she looked at me, I knew I needed to do something because I couldn’t bear the hurt anymore. I had to be hospitalized and was inpatient at a wonderful facility called Renfrew for a month, then intensive out patient for another month. While the treatment helped, it still wasn’t enough for me.
I continued to struggle for another year and strangely, when things were at their worst, something happened inside of me and within a week, I was eating relatively normally for the first time in years. I’m so very happy to say that, that random day that changed me forever, was just about a year and a half ago.
It’s things like your blog that encourage me to stay healthy every day. I helps me to remember that there are others out there recovering just like I am, and that it’s possible to be healthy without spinning out of control. It’s a constant struggle, some days harder than others, as I’m sure you know. These recipes are all amazing and hopefully I can channel my inner cook and actually make them work!
I’m now a Sophomore/Junior in college (my ED caused me to withdraw from my dream school and attend community college where I had to take a light course load to focus on my health) at a great University where I’ve made wonderful progress moving forward with my life.
Keep writing, because people do read this, and it helps remind so many of us that we CAN do it.
Thank you so much for helping me to stay strong.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write that lovely response. I definitely know what you mean about basically hitting rock bottom and finally being able to let go of your eating disorder. I also know that some days are harder than others. For me, being recovered isn’t about being perfect or never struggling with eating a healthy amount of food. It’s being able to recognize when my thoughts become disordered and basically being able to tell the evil voice in my head to shutup because I’m hungry. I’m so happy to hear you’ve been doing well. Good luck with school, and keeping moving forward
XOXO,
Jamie
I cannot believe this is the first time I’m reading your blog! Where have you been for the past 5 years???? I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve been recovering from anorexia since last May. I developed it in middle school, when some very insecure boys decided to pick me as their target of name-calling and humiliation. I’m also a dancer, which did not help with the whole “good self-image” thing. Anyways, I started losing weight, claiming I was just getting healthy. And at first, that’s all it was. But I soon started connecting losing weight with being safe–from bullying, from insecurity, from facing tough things in my life. By my sophomore year, I was 5’1, 99 lb, and had stopped getting my period. After a series of doctor appointments to figure out why (I also have IBD), we were finally referred to adolescent medicine, and the rest is history. I hated my therapist, I hated my parents, and I hated food. I struggled all through that summer (I went to camp with the threat that if I lost weight I would be sent home) and my entire junior year, which is hard enough as it is. I was terrified and mortified that my clothes stopped fitting, and I completely opposed buying new jeans, despite the numerous offers from my mom to buy me any brand I wanted. I couldn’t imaging what people were saying about “tiny, sweet, little Maddie” and how she’s getting so fat. I literally had fights inside my head with those eating disorder thoughts you know so well, and they drove my insane–actually, though, screaming, crying, mess. I hated myself more than ever.
It wasn’t really until this summer that things took a 180 degree turn. I went to Israel with a youth group for 5 weeks, along with my best friend (who is still one of the only people I told about all this). As I went through all the experiences and saw the incredible country, my entire perspective flipped. I realized that first of all, I would need to keep up my energy and eat enough in order to fully enjoy the trip, and that second of all, there are so, SO many things in life that are worth your time and energy. And what you weigh, and what you look like are not two of them. I realized how strong I can be and how much I had been missing out on by restricting. I’m still struggling a bit, but this is the best I have felt in years. For the first time (besides while I was on my trip), I feel like I’m staying healthy for myself, and not for my parents or doctors.
I love to cook, so I found your blog on tastespotting.com, and I saw some eerie similarities between you and me: the eating disorder, I also have a sister named Allie, and I am planning to go to med school also!
Anyway, your story really inspired me, and i felt like I had to let you know. I’ve never liked to talk about my issues, this one included, and I’m quite embarassed about it. Thank you for being so open and genuine–you’re one courageous girl to post that all to the public! Good luck with everything!
Aw hun, I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better. I love what you said about how there are so many things in life worth your time and energy, but weight and appearance aren’t two of them. This is SO true! Good luck on your continued success on recovery. Stay strong! You’re worth it
Hi Jamie,
I just stumbled upon your blog right this morning. I’m a girl from Venezuela with a very similar story to yours (the only difference is that my anorexic stage was finishing high school and during the first year of college, after that, bulimia took control over my life). I sometimes feel like I’ll never be able to overcome it, I’m always thinking about food, I’m never full…
Reading your story really gives me hope that I can too make it through (:
Thanks so much for sharing with everyone your story (I know it’s not easy, I wish I was as brave as you to tell mine).
Lots of love from Venezuela,
Valeria
There IS a life outside your eating disorder and you DESERVE to live that life! Spend some time thinking about what you need. Maybe it’s therapy, a friend to talk to, or just time. I’m here for you if you ever need support! Good luck. I’ll be thinking about you
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Nice information.
Hi!! Today, I discovered that my problem is not my thyroid or anything else (I have hypothyroid), but bingeing. It took me a long time to admit to myself. I don’t eat anything for a few days, and suddenly, one day, I eat amazing amount of chocolates, ice creams and what not. Today, after talking to my friend, I found out that this may be the cause. I randomly googled “How I overcame binge eating” etc to see success stories so I can inspire myself to overcome this. Thank you for sharing because I really needed the encouragement. Thanks again