Recently I’ve been feeling kind of funky. I’ve been studying a lot, and not being quite a social as I normally am. I haven’t been super busy running from classes to labs to meals like a madwoman. I’ve been feeling kind of blah and mindlessly eating quite a bit.
A few nights ago after eating an entire roll of crackers when I wasn’t even hungry, I got super emotional and called Darren. I felt like such a failure because I was slipping into my old habits. I definitely did not want to turn back down the road towards my eating disorder. Our phone conversation pretty much consisted of me crying and Darren telling me that I am not a failure and I can straighten out my habits. When I finally convinced Darren that I was okay, we said goodbye. I hung up the phone and took a huge breath. Then I took about 38 more long deep breaths.
I was going to be okay. I just needed to rediscover my love affair with food.
You might be thinking “Girl, you ate an entire sleeve of crackers…I already know you love food!” (And just for the record, an entire sleeve of crackers is nothing in comparison to the copious amounts of food I used to binge on). But that’s not exactly what I’m getting at. My love affair with food is not only loving eating but also loving, appreciating, and fully enjoying every single bite of food I put in my mouth. That means eating slowly and eating without distractions.
Also, one thing that really gets me out of a “food funk” is to buy groceries. I went grocery shopping with my momma and bought tons of food that I enjoy and that are good for my body. Purchases included: greek yogurt, blackberries, pineapple, almond milk, pita, salad, and salad dressing among all the other groceries my mom bought for the fam.
So here’s some recent eats:
Yesterday’s lunch featured 1 whole egg+2 egg whites, whole grain toast, and lots of strawberries! Usually I don’t love eggs, but I was craving them for lunch yesterday. I went with the craving and was super satisfied after eating.
Today’s lunch: A whole grain pita+turkey+lettuce+mustard+feta cheese. I folded over the pita and microwaved for about 45 seconds. Normally I just eat a regular sandwich for lunch, but the colder weather has made me crave warm food. Blackberries were also consumed.
With a simple change in mindset I’m feeling much more balanced.
What in your life is hardest for you to achieve balance at? Work? Exercise? Food? What do you do when your balance is thrown off or disrupted?
XOXO,
Jamie
Hi Jamie! Long time since I last commented on your blog. I really understand the fear of relapsing, because I keep doing that too (and I think my bulimia is getting worse…). As an answer to your question, I don’t find it difficult to find balance in workouts but definitely eating and studying. Bulimia constantly throws me off balance and because I feel terrible about it, I binge again and it’s a vicious cycle like that. It really keeps me from focusing on my studies. But I just really want to get better, so I’ve made an appointment at an eating disorder clinic. I could only get an opening in March, but I’m hoping that I could somewhat recollect myself a little bit more even before I visit the clinic.
Yay I’m really glad you commented! I love hearing from you. Super good luck with your appointment and March and in the time before your appointment. I know I’ve probably said it a million times, but you have the strength to LET GO of your eating disorder. <3
Also, how could I forget, good luck for the MCAT!
Hey Jamie!
I realize this is super late (as in like 5 months late), but I was just looking around your website again, and this post jumped at me.
I’m struggling a lot with this whole concept of balance right now. I find that I focus all my energies on things I know I’m good at, and use it as an excuse as to why I don’t do other things that I may not feel totally comfortable in (trying new things, social situations, etc).
I’ve found that the best way to help me find balance is to step back and look at everything objectively. If I’m feeling frazzled or don’t quite know what to do or how to feel about something, I stop what I’m doing and think it all over. I prioritize all the different aspects of my life, look at what I have already done, and go from there.
Currently, I’ve made recovery my number 1 priority. It comes before my summer class and work. However, because summer classes and work happen at a strict time (as in, I can’t tell my boss, eh, I need to journal for a bit, I’m going to come in late), I find myself saying “no” to my friends because I need to take time out of my day to work on myself.
I’m getting a little lonely because I’m getting so busy with school and work that I haven’t spent much time at all with friends, but I have justified my list of priorities, and I know if I don’t take the time and energy to get better now, when will I?
That is great! Good for you! Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and really take the time and effort to work on our own well-being!