Today I had a little blast from the past when I went to a Starbucks near Northeastern to meet up with my roommate from freshman year.
This is us at a hockey game. Aren’t we just the cutest most innocent freshman you’ve ever seen!?
As I’ve written about, my freshman year at Northeastern was when my eating disorder began. I isolated myself from all the girls on my hall, and was downright mean to most of them. The disorder made me selfish, withdrawn, and absolutely miserable to be around. I’m thankful to those girls for the patience and kindness they managed to show me that year. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but as evil as I was to them, they were incredibly inclusive and supportive to me.
Today, I arrived at Starbucks about 15 minutes early, so I had some time to myself to reflect on how I’ve changed since that year. The first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I was drinking a vanilla latte. Back in my darkest days I wouldn’t have dared to drink a latte. It was either coffee (black, of course) or tea (no cream or sugar). In other words, drinks with calories were completely off limits.
Today though, I ordered a vanilla latte and enjoyed every foamy sip, not feeling even the slightest bit of guilt.
And in that moment I realized the importance of celebrating the small victories. Full recovery takes a long time, and a lot of hard work. No one can completely get rid of their disordered eating thoughts over night. And since recovery takes a long time, it’s important to recognize and congratulate yourself on the smallest victories. It might be throwing away your “sick” clothes, eating a “forbidden food,” going back for seconds when you’re not full, or even something as little as having a latte without guilt. The small victories eventually lead to big changes. Recovery is possible. You can do it <3
XOXO,
Jamie
Jamie, This is poignant. And, I cannot imagine you being mean, much less evil! I am so happy to know the wise, vibrant young woman you are! -Suzy
Aw thank you <3
That’s a GREAT victory
And it sounds like you’re doing better 
Congrats, girl! You look gorgeous!
Thanks so much!
You’re always such a motivation! I’ve been doing pretty well these days in terms of my eating disorder, and just recently I’ve stopped counting calories. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel guilty but it’s getting better.
Yay congrats on letting go of counting! I remember that being such a HUGE victory for me. Now that I’ve kicked that habit, I’m never turning back. It’s so great to not have the numbers running through your head 24/7.
Yeah, it was actually really hard to let it go for me as well. I’m still in the early phase of a non-counting lifestyle so sometimes it is a bit scary, and I realise that often I unconsciously wish that I was counting calories that day, just because I felt like I had “overindulged” myself. But then I just try to take a deep breath and remind myself that I am not going to turn into a monster overnight just because of that, and that it is okay. I really want to be able to just focus on who I am, and much less on how I look! Your blog really helps me with that though. Sorry this comment just got way too long
It really is OKAY to indulge in things that taste good! And I am cracking up at the unconscious…I think we’ve all mixed up those two words a couple times.
Yeah, it’s such a solace. Like yesterday I had 5 pieced of Reece’s mini cups and I was almost about to panic about it and go look for the calorie content of each on the package but I was able to stop myself and concentrate on how the chocolate made me smile
Yay to small victories!!!
Lol, I just said “unconscious” instead of “subconscious”
Just had to correct that!