Celebrate the Small Victories

Today I had a little blast from the past when I went to a Starbucks near Northeastern to meet up with my roommate from freshman year.

This is us at a hockey game. Aren’t we just the cutest most innocent freshman you’ve ever seen!?

As I’ve written about, my freshman year at Northeastern was when my eating disorder began. I isolated myself from all the girls on my hall, and was downright mean to most of them. The disorder made me selfish, withdrawn, and absolutely miserable to be around. I’m thankful to those girls for the patience and kindness they managed to show me that year. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but as evil as I was to them, they were incredibly inclusive and supportive to me.

Today, I arrived at Starbucks about 15 minutes early, so I had some time to myself to reflect on how I’ve changed since that year. The first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I was drinking a vanilla latte. Back in my darkest days I wouldn’t have dared to drink a latte. It was either coffee (black, of course) or tea (no cream or sugar). In other words, drinks with calories were completely off limits.

Today though, I ordered a vanilla latte and enjoyed every foamy sip, not feeling even the slightest bit of guilt.

And in that moment I realized the importance of celebrating the small victories. Full recovery takes a long time, and a lot of hard work. No one can completely get rid of their disordered eating thoughts over night. And since recovery takes a long time, it’s important to recognize and congratulate yourself on the smallest victories. It might be throwing away your “sick” clothes, eating a “forbidden food,” going back for seconds when you’re not full, or even something as little as having a latte without guilt. The small victories eventually lead to big changes. Recovery is possible. You can do it <3

XOXO,

Jamie

She Said I Think I’ll Go To Boston

ohhh how things change.

I remember being a senior in high school excited for my upcoming freshman year at Northeastern University in Boston. My angsty teen self would sit at the piano, banging out “Boston” by Augustana and singing deafeningly (much to my sisters’ dismay).

But…it turns out that starting a “new” life or becoming a “different” person  requires much more than just a new place to call home. Real change can only come through changing our beliefs and behaviors. As naive as I was though, I thought that going away to Boston for college would finally make me happy. I could finally be the confident, outgoing, pretty, skinny girl that everyone adored. Well…things didn’t exactly work out the way I planned. I got to Boston, and I was still the shy, awkward girl I’d always been. I’ve talked about my story in detail in many other blog posts, so I’m not going to rehash that all here.

What I will say though, is that I’m back in Boston! I’m still a little shy and still a little awkward. BUT I’m happy in my own skin and with my own personality.

Clearly, I’m a gem

I’m having a lovely time here in Boston. In the first two days of my internship, I’ve already learned a lot I didn’t know about eating disorders and what it is actually like to conduct studies in the field. My research internship is under the direction of Dr. Heather Thompson-Brenner who has contributed immensely to the literature on eating disorders. Seriously, Google her name on Google Scholar and read all her amazing work! She is also just a super nice person in general. I’ll talk in more detail about my internship as I get further into it.

Charlie, the new boyfriend I mentioned in my last post, visited me in Boston this past weekend. The above picture was taken at a T stop when we were en route to the Museum of Fine Arts. It was pouring rain and we were pretty much soaked all day, but we had a great time nonetheless. And we saw lots of great art. I felt very cultured.

BIG NEWS FOR COLLEGEGIRLCOOKING! I FINALLY STOPPED BEING SO CHEAP AND BOUGHT A NEW CAMERA! GET READY FOR A BLOG THAT ONCE AGAIN CONTAINS (SEMI) DECENT PHOTOS. You can expect such photos in 5-8 business days

XOXO,

Jamie

I am beautiful…and you are too.

So, as you may or may not know, this past week was eating disorders awareness week. I knew I wanted to say something to raise awareness, but I wasn’t really sure what….until I remembered a photograph my sister, Taylor, shot of me. Side note: My sister is a great photographer, and she writes a super inspiring blog! Check her work out here!

Taylor took this picture of me about 5 months ago. My hair was so short!

This picture represents my struggle with food. The colors are stark. The only things in the picture are me and an apple. The lack of other items portrays what an eating disorder really feels like. It is complete obsession with food or a lack thereof. However, eating disorders aren’t really about the food or the weight. The focus on food and weight is merely a symptom of a deeper internal struggle. In this photograph, I am curled up like a child in the fetal position. This pose is reflective of the lack of control I felt in my life and my desire to remain a child.

Besides the fact that I think this picture is representative of my eating disorder, it also shows my body. Unlike magazine cover girls, I have tan lines and fleshy bits. But that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. My body is not an object. It is much more than that in that it enables me to do the things I love every day. I can run, and jump, and sing, (and sit through boring lectures taking notes until my hand is numb), all thanks to my body. And for all those things, I am thankful.

Love yourself, love your body, and love the people around you.

XOXO,

Jamie

A Change of Pace

When I started this blog it was a way for me to experiment with food, to learn to love myself, and to really just grapple with my eating disorder issues.

Thankfully, I no longer feel that this is the purpose of CollegeGirlCooking.

I’m writing this post to address the fact that I have changed and grown so much in the past year, and likewise, my blog has changed and grown as well. I will continue to write about my eating disorder experiences, advocate for the destigmatization of mental illness, and support those of you who are still on your journey to recovery.

However, I want to make it explicit that I now consider CollegeGirlCooking to be a healthy living blog.

I’ve recently been met with some disapproval by some of my more recent posts describing the foods I eat or my recent return to regular exercise. Some people believe that no one ever truly recovers from an eating disorder. Along with this belief comes the opinion that people with histories of eating disorders cannot actually embrace a healthy lifestyle because any approach towards “health” is necessarily fueled by restrictive/obsessive habits or is a manifestation of the eating disorder itself.

I can only speak from my own personal experience. When I was recovering and when I first considered myself recovered, I completely avoided exercise. I wasn’t in the mindset to approach it healthfully, meaning that I couldn’t exercise without using it as a tool to lose weight or burn calories. Furthermore, in the beginning, I had to completely disregard the nutritional content of my food and just eat.

Now though, I am able to approach “healthy living” with an open, positive, and flexible mindset. Yes I eat yogurt, oatmeal, cottage cheese, apples, grilled chicken, and other so called “healthy” foods, but that is because I like them! In addition to these “healthy” foods I eat my fair share of “unhealthy” foods<—-Most notably, ice cream and Biscoff Spread. Oh how I love you Biscoff Spread!

Furthermore, I am able to exercise purely because it makes me feel good. I love the endorphins and I love devoting a chunk of time completely to myself.

Healthy living to me is not about food or exercise. It’s about fully embracing your life and loving yourself fiercely. I believe I am doing just that.

(Darren and I after our first, and only, 5k!).

Also, I registered for a half-marathon in August. WHOA!

XOXO,

Jamie

Should I talk about my eating disorder in my medical school application?

In this post I want to ask my lovely readers a question. I would greatly appreciate any responses.

Today I worked on my resume and my personal statement as part of my application to medical school. As of right now, my personal statement is centered around my past eating disorder. More specifically, I plan on talking about how doctors received me negatively (probably because of their own stigmatizing attitudes towards eating disorders).

Furthermore, despite the horror of my eating disorder, I wouldn’t wish away my experience. My eating disorder showed me how to be the best doctor I can be, which means treating the patient with compassion and understanding regardless of their illness. Aside from demonstrating to me how to treat patients, I became a much stronger, more balanced person through my recovery. I truly believe that I am more capable of medical school and a medical career because my eating disorder taught me perseverance and how to healthfully deal with stressful situations.

Despite the fact that I am currently writing this personal statement, I have my reservations. I know there is a risk involved with bringing up my past eating disorder. Admissions committees could perceive me as unstable and unable to withstand the rigor of medical school. However, if I don’t write this personal statement, I feel like I am lying to myself. My eating disorder itself along with my advocacy for the destigmatization of mental illness and this blog, in which I encourage others to adopt a positive relationship with food, have been SUCH a huge part of my undergraduate career. By not writing about my experience I feel as if I am giving in to the stigma and feeling ashamed of my experience.

I should not have to be ashamed. I overcame an incredibly terrible illness. Furthermore, I took this terrible experience and made it positive by starting this blog and learning to love myself unconditionally. I am a stronger person because of my experience. I just hope that I can convey that in my essay.

So what do you think? Is this total application suicide to talk about a past mental illness? Help me out here!

XOXO,

Jamie

Have a Love Affair with your Food

Recently I’ve been feeling kind of funky. I’ve been studying a lot, and not being quite a social as I normally am. I haven’t been super busy running from classes to labs to meals like a madwoman. I’ve been feeling kind of blah and mindlessly eating quite a bit.

A few nights ago after eating an entire roll of crackers when I wasn’t even hungry, I got super emotional and called Darren. I felt like such a failure because I was slipping into my old habits. I definitely did not want to turn back down the road towards my eating disorder. Our phone conversation pretty much consisted of me crying and Darren telling me that I am not a failure and I can straighten out my habits. When I finally convinced Darren that I was okay, we said goodbye. I hung up the phone and took a huge breath. Then I took about 38 more long deep breaths.

I was going to be okay. I just needed to rediscover my love affair with food.

You might be thinking “Girl, you ate an entire sleeve of crackers…I already know you love food!” (And just for the record, an entire sleeve of crackers is nothing in comparison to the copious amounts of food I used to binge on). But that’s not exactly what I’m getting at. My love affair with food is not only loving eating but also loving, appreciating, and fully enjoying every single bite of food I put in my mouth. That means eating slowly and eating without distractions.

Also, one thing that really gets me out of a “food funk” is to buy groceries. I went grocery shopping with my momma and bought tons of food that I enjoy and that are good for my body. Purchases included: greek yogurt, blackberries, pineapple, almond milk, pita, salad, and salad dressing among all the other groceries my mom bought for the fam.

So here’s some recent eats:

Yesterday’s lunch featured 1 whole egg+2 egg whites, whole grain toast, and lots of strawberries! Usually I don’t love eggs, but I was craving them for lunch yesterday. I went with the craving and was super satisfied after eating.

Today’s lunch: A whole grain pita+turkey+lettuce+mustard+feta cheese. I folded over the pita and microwaved for about 45 seconds. Normally I just eat a regular sandwich for lunch, but the colder weather has made me crave warm food. Blackberries were also consumed.

With a simple change in mindset I’m feeling much more balanced.

What in your life is hardest for you to achieve balance at? Work? Exercise? Food?  What do you do when your balance is thrown off or disrupted?

XOXO,

Jamie

Depression Diaries Part 2: Antidepressants

Disclaimer: This post deals with my own personal experience with depression. Read at your own discretion. I am not an expert on the topic, and therefore, I am unqualified to give professional advice. If you are suffering from depression contact your health-care professional. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency please contact The US National Suicide & Crisis Hotline at 1-800-784-2433.

In the first post in my series titled Depression Diaries, I spoke about common conceptions of depression and my own experience with it. If you missed that post, you can catch up here.

In the second post of this series, I’m going to talk about my experience with antidepressants. The decision to begin taking an antidepressant was not one I took lightly. I’d heard horror stories about people’s experiences, and the long list of side effects frightened me. Furthermore, I’m cautious of putting potentially harmful substances in my body. I didn’t want to be dependent on a medication for the rest of my life. These are all common concerns that anyone has when starting any medication.

In addition though, I had the feeling antidepressants were almost as stigmatized as the disease they treat. I felt as if I was a weak person because I had to resort to medication just to be able to live my life. Despite all these concerns though, I ended up on a low dose prescription of an SSRI (specifically fluoxetine which has shown to be effective and is approved for the treatment of bulimia) which I’ve been on for the last 5 months.

I decided to finally give antidepressants a try because I wasn’t making much progress overcoming my eating disorder on my own. I had read what seemed like an entire library’s worth of self-help books, but the inspiration I took from those books was fleeting. I learned to be much more accepting and caring towards myself. I learned to accept my limits and honor my body’s needs. My eating disorder symptoms lessened, but even with my change in attitude and my new mindset,  I still continued to fall into the binge/restriction cycle. Food still had significant control over my life, and I wasn’t willing to settle without exploring all my options…even antidepressants.

Being on an antidepressant significantly decreased my desire to binge. Once I was on medication I felt like I could finally focus on what mattered in my life, and use food the way it is meant to be used-fuel! I don’t necessarily like the idea that I may need to be on medication for a long period of time. Furthermore, there is no guarantee medication will work in the long term. Because of this, I am experimenting with alternative ways to boost my serotonin levels through diet, supplements, exercise, and relaxation techniques. I look forward to talking about all these alternative treatments in the next post of the series!

I just love that quote!

XOXO,

Jamie

My Food Philosophy

I’ve spent quite a lot of time overcoming my disordered relationship with food. Throughout my journey, I’ve developed what I believe is a really healthy food philosophy. They aren’t diet rules or a number of calories to follow, but rather guidelines I use to keep my body fueled properly and to feel maximum satisfaction after eating. I’ve adapted some of the guidelines from Geneen Roth’s Eating Guidelines.

Healthy Eating Food Philosophy:

1. Let go of diets, rules, numbers, calorie counting. Simply eat ONLY when you are hungry. Eat EXACTLY what your body craves. And STOP eating when you are full. To any yo-yo dieter, this probably sounds completely crazy. You might be thinking to yourself, “If I could eat anything I wanted I would eat pizza and ice cream sundaes every day and blow up like a balloon!” Trust me, you won’t. Sure, if you’ve been restricting for a while, and you suddenly allow yourself to eat what ever you want, at first, you will crave indulgent foods you’d been denying yourself. Eventually though, and in my experience it will take less than a week, your cravings will subside and your body will crave the foods it actually needs. Sometimes this might be a balanced meal with lean protein and veggies and other times you might want a bacon cheeseburger.

The problem with forcing yourself to eat foods you don’t really want is that you don’t feel satisfied after eating them. If I really want a cheeseburger and french fries, but I force myself to eat a salad, I won’t feel satisfied after eating. I’ll keep thinking about food and grazing despite the fact I’m not hungry. But, when you give yourself exactly what you want, the meal feels complete, and you can enjoy your life without obsessing about food you won’t allow yourself to have.

2. Eat without distractions. People often balk at this guideline too. Eating without distractions means not reading, watching tv, driving, playing video games, browsing facebook, etc. while eating. Eating without distractions allows you to fully experience the taste and texture of your food. It makes eating a much more satisfying experience.

From my own personal experience, this guideline is great. First of all, it keeps me from sitting in front of the tv, mindlessly chowing down potato chips when I’m not even hungry. Secondly, it gives me maximal satisfaction from my food. I used to browse the internet while I ate my breakfast every morning. After a few minutes, my breakfast would be gone and I couldn’t even remember eating it. Eating is a pleasure we should savor.

3. Eat according to your hunger cues, not someone elses. Don’t accept food just to be polite. Furthermore, don’t eat food just because you don’t want it to “go to waste” or because “there are hungry kids all over the world.”

If you aren’t hungry, don’t accept food that is given to you. For some reason in our country it is seen as impolite to refuse food. I used to hate doing it. However, now I finally have the gumption and self-respect to realize that if I’m not hungry I don’t want to eat.

Do not turn into a human garbage disposal and eat everyone’s leftovers because you can’t stand to let food go to “waste.” You eating the food also turns it to waste. Also, there is no way your leftovers are getting shipped to the starving children all over the world. If you are full, stop eating.

Have you ever accepted food just to be polite?

What are some philosophies you follow to achieve healthy eating?

XOXO,

Jamie

What am I afraid of?

Everything.

Today, like every Monday, my wonderful boyfriend volunteers 3 hours with a mentally handicapped child.  Today, like every Monday, I panicked at the thought of not being able to reach him for 3 hours.

My fear of irrational things like not being able to call/text Darren for 3 hours or my extreme fear of doing poorly on the MCAT is actually anxiety.

My anxiety causes me fear but the source of danger is inadequate to account for my symptoms. Anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis. It’s something I’m working on improving, and re-framing really helps. Re-framing works by taking the source of your anxiety and framing it in a more positive way in order to reduce your anxiety. I’ll do a few examples, so you can see how it works.

1. I am afraid of doing poorly on the MCAT. Then, I won’t be able to get into medical school, and I won’t become a doctor.

Re-framed: I am afraid of doing poorly on the MCAT. However, I have an entire month off school to prepare. I have a supportive boyfriend and family to help me along the way.  If I do poorly on the MCAT this January, I still have time to retake it this spring or summer. Also, worrying about the MCAT now is not going to help me perform better on the test, so I’m just wasting my emotions.

2. I am afraid of not being able to balance a career and a family.

Re-framed: If I need to take a few years off work or even just work part-time, to raise children, I will probably be able to do so as long as Darren is employed. Also, if I love my career, I don’t HAVE to have children.  And lastly, I don’t have to deal with this for quite a long time. I have neither a career nor children at the moment, so there is no use in worrying about them!

3. I am afraid when I can’t contact Darren. I’m afraid something terrible will happen to him or me and I won’t be able to reach him. I’m afraid of having a break down and no one will be here to help me.

Re-framed: If something terrible happens or if I start feeling panicky I have great friends here to support me. Also, I have a family that is just a phone call away. Also, there is no use in fearing something bad will happen BEFORE it even happens!

Re-framing really allows me to think more logically about a situation. My first reaction to anything that scares me is complete panic. Panicking is completely unproductive though because it keeps me from finding a solution and it’s terrible for my body (so many stress hormones!)

What gives you anxiety?

Do you think a “re-framing” approach might help you deal with it?

XOXO,

Jamie

Depression Diaries

Disclaimer: This post deals with my own personal experience with depression. Read at your own discretion. I am not an expert on the topic, and therefore, I am unqualified to give professional advice. If you are suffering from depression contact your health-care professional. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency please contact The US National Suicide & Crisis Hotline at 1-800-784-2433.

I thought I’d start a little mini-series on my blog titled “Depression Diaries.” Depression is a common ailment, but most people aren’t really willing to talk about it. My blog is all about openness, acceptance, and discussion, so I’d like to share my story of depression with you.

Depression, is a stigmatized and controversial illness because of the fact that some people don’t even believe it exists. When talking about depression people will often say, “just snap out of it.” Similarly, with eating disorders, people will often say, “just eat!” I can honestly tell you that in both instances, it is not that easy. I wish it was.

The backstory:

Eating disorders and depression exhibit co-morbidity meaning they often appear together. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 50-75% of eating disorder patients (anorexia and bulimia) experience depression. I have no doubt that the onset of my depression fueled my eating disorder. I felt so sad, helpless, and alone that my extreme concentration on restricting food and constantly working out gave me a distraction and an escape from the despair I felt.

Eventually, I hit a wall with my eating disorder. I had come to a fork in the road where I either had to start eating or I knew I’d be forced into hospitalization by my parents or go into cardiac arrest if they didn’t act soon enough. I let go of my eating disorder. It was a long painful process.

And it didn’t change the fact that I was depressed. I remember when I first began my “diet” that turned into full blown anorexia, I thought that if I were skinnier I’d be happy. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could see all the bones in my chest, but I was still the same person inside. I was still unhappy.

In the days and weeks to come I will continue this mini-series, talking about the various ways depression has affected me, the ways I’ve received professional treatment, the ways I’ve learned to treat my depression more holistically  (like writing this blog for example!), and where I’m currently at with my depression management. And of course, interspersed with this mini-series will be more lighthearted topics to soften the mood. Happy Wednesday friends

XOXO,

Jamie