Comparisons

One major hurdle for me in overcoming my eating disorder has been/is comparing myself to other people. I am perfectionist at nearly everything I do, so naturally, eating and looking good also fall under my perfectionist scrutiny. I really never realized how much I compare myself to others until Darren pointed it out to me. He tells me probably once every day, “Babe, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people.”

I know. I know. I’m working on it. So I thought I’d write about some of the things/people I compare myself to, and try to reframe them in a more positive way.

1. It almost pains me to write this and I’m super ashamed to admit it, but it’s true so here goes nothing: Sometimes I get jealous of my sisters because they are smaller than me. Sometimes I not only get jealous, but I get super worked up, emotional, and I have even let it get in the way of our relationship.

I love my sisters more than anything. I am amazingly blessed to have them. I just have to remember how much joy they bring to my life and how they love me unconditionally regardless of what I weigh or look like.

Proof of said unconditional love.

2. I compare my meals and portion sizes with the people I eat with.

When I’m at home this means I compare myself to my mom and sisters, and when I’m at school this means I compare myself to my roommates. I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I eat a lot more than other women my age. My body simply just needs more.

And not only do I eat more, but I also eat plenty of “masculine” foods. Especially at college women compare what they eat to others. There seems to be  a silent ritual of sitting down at the dining hall table, observing everyone’s plate, and judging how it compares to your own. I’m not the kind of girl who eats a salad for dinner. I rarely even eat salads for lunch (although sometimes I do crave a big salad with bleu cheese and bacon!). I’m not afraid to  embrace my cravings for some of my favorite foods like bacon cheeseburgers or chicken wings.

I enjoy these foods, without hesitation, when my body wants them, but sometimes I still feel guilty or “bad” for not eating just a salad like so many of the other women around me. I need to just let it go and completely embrace my peace with food.

3. Probably the biggest comparison I make is that of my body to the bodies of super fit women.

I do so much. I am a student, a research assistant, and a blogger. On top of all that, I need peaceful time to myself to just relax and a little time to socialize with friends and my boyfriend. Achieving a level of fitness like the woman pictured above isn’t feasible for me right now. I could probably fit in an hour at the gym every day, but I know it would compromise my mental health. Also, I’m still not completely comfortable with the gym because it reminds me too much of the time when I was deep into my eating disorder and spending many hours a day working out. I need to accept this and celebrate the fitness I do have! I ran a 5k on Thanksgiving, and I was amazed at my body’s ability. I remember when I could barely run half a mile! We have to work on not comparing ourselves to “the best” but to simply be “our best self.”

In what ways do you find yourself comparing yourself to others?

XOXO,

Jamie

 

 

Working on Me

I’ve taken quite a hiatus from my blog as a result of my hectic school/work schedule and the fact that I’ve been taking a lot of “me” time. A while back I wrote about my relapse in eating disordered feelings. Since this resurgence in binging and restricting, I’ve been a lot more careful to analyze my body’s wants and needs.

For example, today shortly after I ate lunch, I was working on my English paper and couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted to take a break and eat a snack. Food thoughts kept running through my head like crazy, and I couldn’t focus on my paper.

Eventually I just stopped and asked myself, “Am I really hungry?” The answer was no because I had just had lunch, and I was still satiated. Since I didn’t actually want food, the next question I asked myself was, “What do I REALLY want?”  When I really dug deep to find the root of my food thoughts, I realized I simply wanted a break from my paper and a short nap. So…I napped!

Whenever I’m feeling stressed, or tired, upset, or lonely, my mind’s first reaction is FOOD FOOD FOOD! FIND ME SOME FOOD SO I CAN DISTRACT MYSELF FROM WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD! This of course, is not productive, because eating when I’m not truly hungry only leads to binging and food guilt. Therefore, it’s been really important and helpful to me to find out what my body is truly telling me it needs.

For those of you who have not had an eating disorder, listening to your body’s wants may seem like a natural thing. For those of you (myself included) who use or have used food as a way to escape yourself and your feelings, listening to your bodies true wants and feeling your true emotions is a HUGE victory. Once we are able to completely take care of ourselves and deal with our emotions, we can break free from binge eating.

I’m going to continue working on myself and congratulating myself on the victories small or large along the way. I hope you’ll join me

XOXO,

Jamie

What is Food for?

I do my best thinking when I’m laying in bed. It’s true. Maybe my bed is magic or maybe more blood gets to my brain when I’m laying down. Either way, all my good ideas, paper theses, personal epiphanies, etc. come to me right as I’m about to drift to sleep.

Last night I was laying in bed, thinking about my struggles with food, the recent resurgence of my disordered eating feelings, and how to once again find peace with food. I’ve struggled so much with eating in the past few years. As I was laying in bed though, I realized that food isn’t something we should fight against. We shouldn’t restrict ourselves or make ourselves go hungry just to be a size zero. It’s not worth it.

Food is not about self-control, deprivation, and being skinny. Food is supposed to give us energy, allowing us to live our best life possible. Food is not the end result. A perfect diet or small size is not something to be achieved. Instead, the food we eat is simply what enables us to achieve the end goal, that is, life.

Now this woman, she knows how to live!

XOXO,

Jamie

Skillet Cookie

Just a warning, this is a super yummy recipe, but a super emotional and personal post. I’m going to talk about my eating disorder, so read at your own discretion. The recipe is really delicious though, so if you skip the body of the post, I suggest at least looking at the recipe

I’ve been in a funk lately. School is no longer exciting, but instead, stressful and annoying. I’ve been really hard on myself lately. There is one class this semester that is absolutely killing me. I could put in a reasonable amount of work and easily manage a B+ in the class. However, I insist on torturing myself because I refuse to accept anything less than an A. Crazy right?

And as much as I hate to admit it, my eating has gotten super disordered. I know relapses happen to people with eating disorders, but it’s just super discouraging. It’s been months since I’ve even thought about what I was eating, and all of a sudden, I’m restricting and binging again. Feeling super crazy.

I’m committing myself to getting through this phase.  I just need to give myself time and compassion. I need to listen to my body. I need to take a break when I need a break. I need to accept  a B+, because really, it is so not the end of the world. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to be perfect I forget to step back and ask myself whether everything is really worth it. Is it really worth my health and sanity to go from a B+ to an A? Probably not. Can I be successful and still find balance in my life? Definitely. I know it’s possible. I’ve been recovered for a while now, and I refuse to submit myself to the torture of starvation or the self-guilt of binging. I’m worth way more than that.

So now that I’ve been completely honest with you all, I’ll be using my blog as a place to help myself get out of this weird, scary, relapse I’ve been in for the last few weeks. I’m looking forward to getting back to the place where food is no longer an issue, and I know writing will help me get through this.

Onto a much more lighthearted topic…

Chocolate Chip Skillet Cookie

Chocolate Chip Skillet Cookie

via The Pink and Blue Blog

What You’ll Need:
1 stick (8 tablespoons) unsalted butter
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 egg
1 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup chocolate chunks

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt butter in an 8 inch cast iron skillet set over medium-low heat. Stir in sugars and vanilla and remove from heat. Let rest until pan is warm, but no longer very hot, about 5 minutes.

2. Crack an egg onto the butter and sugar mixture, and use a fork to whisk it well into the mixture. Place flour, baking soda, and salt on top, and very carefully stir into the mixture until smooth and well-mixed. Stir in chocolate chunks. Place in the oven for 15 minutes, or until starting to turn golden on the top and around the edges, but soft in the center. Serve with vanilla ice cream.

Yes, these were delicious. I ate a slice warm and gooey, straight from the pan. I prefer the taste of bars to cookies because their texture is much chewier. Also, these have a unique flavor because of browning the butter in the skillet. These are definitely a treat. I’m already thinking this would be a perfect alternative for me for a birthday cake since I don’t love cake.

XOXO,

Jamie

Learning to Say “No”

Once upon a time, I was the girl who never said no to anyone. I strived for complete perfection in all aspects of my life, and part of that included pleasing everyone around me. When asked a favor, I always said yes. When criticized or chastised, I always politely agreed, that yes I should have done better.

Saying “no” to people we love and care about can be hard. Especially as women, we feel a natural aversion to please everyone around us. Sometimes, though, there are situations in which saying yes to a favor,  promising to attend an event, etc, can result in us stretching ourselves too far. We have to listen to ourselves and allow ourselves to say “no” when we know that it is what is best for us.

I still do favors for my friends and family, but I do them because they make me feel good. I love these people, so naturally I want to make them happy! However, I also need to keep myself happy! Saying “no” in certain situations allows me to stay happy, and be more present for my friends and family.

 

Sometimes you have to put your big girl Slytherin pants on and just say no.

XOXO,

Jamie

 

 

 

Imma be real with ya

I’ve noticed that there are several different types of healthy lifestyle bloggers out there. Some focus mostly on nutrition. Some focus mostly on fitness. Some integrate the two. Some bloggers mostly write super happy posts to encourage and inspire. While other bloggers, myself included, write whatever they’re feeling in the moment. I started this blog as a way to talk about my experience, share my newfound love for food, and hopefully help some people struggling through their own disordered eating.

 

Little did I know, my blog would actually help me grow even more to love and respect my body. I use my blog to help encourage others to break free from disordered eating, but I also use it to think through my own problems whenever I have a misstep.

 

Well Imma be real with ya. Today I had a misstep. About an hour before I usually have lunch, my appetite was raging. I listened to my body, and just went with it. I ate earlier than normal, and I ate a larger lunch than normal.

 

Then, in steps my long lost enemy, Mr. Guilt. I felt like a cartoon character with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

The devil was saying, “You ate too much. You don’t deserve to feel full. You will get f**.” While the angel was saying ,”You are giving your body exactly what it wants. You are paying attention and doing a great job. Your body needs fuel and it thanks you every time you feed it what it needs.”

Honestly, I felt kind of cruddy for a hot second. It’s usually not too hard for me to tune out the guilt, but sometimes I get upset for even feeling guilty at all. I have to learn that no one is perfect. Even as I consider myself recovered, there will still be missteps. It’s how I deal with those missteps that makes me recovered.

So here I am being completely real, completely honest. Although I’m recovered, I’m not perfect. I’ve learned to love and enjoy food, but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally slip up. It means I don’t let it ruin my day. I vent and move on.

Lots of love to all my wonderful friends reading this!

XOXO,

Jamie

A Book Review: Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

As I’ve stated many times before, books were instrumental in recovering from my eating disorder. Not only did I read self-help books, but I was inspired by other people’s experience and stories of recovery.

I recently had the pleasure of reading “Unbearable Lightness” by Portia de Rossi.

I’ve read many memoirs, biographies, and autobiographies on people who’ve suffered eating disorders, and I can honestly say that “Unbearable Lightness” is one of the best books written on the topic.  Her story is detailed and candid. What sets this book apart from others is that she was a grown woman when her illness took hold, not a young girl. I also appreciated her story because I could relate to it more. She went through a period of extreme restriction to a period of extreme binging and purging which was a similar experience to mine.

I’ve always been a perfectionist, and I’ve always strived to be exceptional. This drive towards success and perfection is often a characteristic in people with eating disorders (although there are plenty of eating disorder suffers who do not relate to this!). De Rossi describes her drive towards perfection extensively in “Unbearable Lightness” stating,

“Even when I took first prize, topped the class, won the race, I never really won anything. I was merely avoiding the embarrassment of losing.”

“Average. It was the worst, most disgusting word in the English language. Nothing meaningful or worthwhile ever came from that word.”

These quotes really hit home with me. Whenever I won an award in high school, it was never enough. I always wanted more. I wanted the highest test scores, the most awards, and most of all, I wanted recognition. I needed external validation to assure myself that I was worthy. In high school, I often received this validation. I got special treatment from my teachers. Everyone thought I was brilliant. I was my class valedictorian. In college though, I become one tiny fish in a huge pond. No one cared about what I did in high school. No one knew. I stopped feeling special. I felt so normal. Normal was not something I could accept at the time.

However, after a lot of hard work in the self-love department, I’ve realized that no one’s opinions of me matter except for my own opinion of myself. I know what I am capable of. I set goals. I am proud of my accomplishments, and I learn from my failures. The best way to live is to be the only judge of yourself.

De Rossi’s thoughts on dieting:

“I finally understood that by being on a perpetual diet, I had practiced a “disordered” form of eating my whole life. I restricted when I was hungry and in need of nutrition and binged when I was so grotesquely full I couldn’t be comfortable in any position by lying down. Diets that tell people what to eat or when to eat are the practices inbetween. And dieting, I discovered, was another form of disordered eating, just as anorexia and bulimia similarly disrupt the natural order of eating.”

I hate diets. Why? Because they don’t work. How can someone else tell you what your body needs? They can’t! De Rossi describes why dieting doesn’t work by stating:

“Restriction generates yearning. You want what you cannot have.”

When you tell yourself you need to diet, you are essentially saying you are not worthy of eating the foods your body desires. You want what you are forbidden to have. Then when you eat a bite of forbidden food, you figure you’ve blown your whole diet so you might as well just finish off the rest of the bowl/pan/cake/etc. I’ve learned from experience that for every diet, there is an equal and opposite binge just waiting to happen. When you eat whatever you want when your hungry, your body will settle at it’s natural weight.  We have to learn to listen to our bodies, and appreciate them no matter what size or shape they are.

XOXO,

Jamie

My eating disorder journey and how I overcame binge eating

I was anorexic.  Counting every calorie. Living on less than 600 calories a day. Sometimes, less than 300. People stared at me. People commented about my weight. People whispered about me. I was completely in control.

No. I was completely out of control.

I couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about food for long enough. Plus, I didn’t have enough fat on my body to allow me to get comfortable in bed. I couldn’t sit because, once again, sitting hurt. Plus, it didn’t burn as many calories as standing up anyways. Always standing, always moving. I stopped having my period. Weighing in every morning. No number was too low.

Then. My mom decided it had gone far enough.

She made me eat. At first, I detested it. I hated food. I hated her. It was dinner-time. She made spaghetti. She wanted me to eat spaghetti?! That just WAS NOT going to happen. Stomping to my room. Laying on my floor crying. She wanted me to get fat. I knew it.

She didn’t let her guard down though. She made sure I ate. And once food passed through my mouth, my walls came crumbling down. I was malnourished. I was starving. I ate. I ate a lot.

I figured I had about 40 pounds to gain anyways, so I binged. Instead of eating a healthy, high calorie diet, I binged. Food still seemed off-limits. It still had a charge. It still had a power over me. Instead of avoiding it, I had switched to the other side of the spectrum. I overindulged in food. No amount was ever enough. I was never full.

Then, I had reached a “healthy” weight. I no longer wanted to gain weight. But I still hadn’t dealt with my food issues. I still used food as a coping mechanism. I couldn’t stop binging. So I started purging.

It was messy. I hated it. I hated myself every time I did it. I hated the residual vomit I could smell in my nasal cavities. I hated the burn in my throat from my stomach’s acidic juices. I hated the knowledge I was ruining my beautiful teeth. I’ve always loved my smile, at any weight.

I reached my breaking point. I couldn’t go on living my sort of half-life, almost completely dominated by food. I had to do something. I knew I didn’t want therapy. Been there, done that. Hated it. Of course, I shouldn’t have completely judged therapy by my experience with one less than stellar therapist. But I did.

Instead, I turned to myself. I started meditating using free podcasts. I read books about overcoming eating disorders. I read a lot of books. I read almost every book by Geneen Roth. I read “Food: The Good Girl’s Drug” by Sunny Sea Gold. I read countless books on the topic of intuitive eat. I stopped forcing myself to eat certain foods I considered safe. Instead, I ate whatever sounded good to me whenever I was hungry. Really.

Eventually, food lost it’s charge. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped when I was full. Food lost it’s control over my life.

I eat to live. I am alive.

XOXO,

Jamie

Homemade Oreos! (And what happens to all my baked goods?)

What happens to all my baked goods?
Well they get eaten of course! But not all by me. There was a time when I would console my stress, anger, and loneliness with a dozen cookies and a pint of ice cream. Yes, all in one sitting. I’m proud to say though, this is no longer the case.

Lucky for me, I have a family (and also a boyfriend!) who loves sweets as much as I love baking them!

This is the whole crew! My brother Justin no longer lives with us though because he is a big kid with a degree, a real job, and an apartment these days. This picture was taken last summer at pretty much the height of my anorexia, and my hair was also dyed red. I put on a smile for this picture, but I was anything but happy. I tried to find a more recent picture of the whole family, but this was the best I could find on my computer. Time to get the family together again soon for a group shot!

So now these days, post-anorexia, post-binge eating disorder, post-bulimia, I am happy to say that I certainly enjoy the treats I make, but I eat them when my body truly wants something sweet. In fact, lately I haven’t been craving sweets as much as usual. I usually want something sweet after lunch. Instead of eating my normal scoop of ice cream, I’ve been craving chocolate-y protein bars. Not only do they taste like a candy bar, but I have so much energy after eating them and they keep me much more satiated than a scoop of ice cream or a cookie. I’m seriously turning into a protein bar addict, and it is not good for my bank account (okay, my parents’ bank account). Those things are expensive! But you and your body are worth the splurge!

I will be writing an entire post about my full eating disorder journey and how I stopped binge eating later this week. I hope this is a topic of interest to some of my readers.

Now…onto homemade Oreos!

Yep, not only do they look better than store-bought, but they taste better too.  After eating one my dad exclaimed, “These are delightful!” And after his fourth cookie he stated, “These are NOT going to last very long.”  Putting a smile on someone’s face is one thing I love about baking.

I’m not going to lie. These cookies are truly a treat. There is really nothing healthy about them aside from the fact that they are less processed than store bought. Beside that, its full on sugar, butter, and shortening. I feel like I’m channeling my inner Paula Deen. And it feels soooo good.

Homemade Oreos

adapted from Smitten Kitchen

Makes 25 to 30 sandwich cookies

For the chocolate wafers:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup unsweetened Dutch process cocoa (I used regular unsweetened cocoa, and they turned out delicious. By all means use Dutch process if you have it on hand as it will result in a richer flavor.)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1 large egg

For the filling:
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1/4 cup vegetable shortening
2 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1. Set two racks in the middle of the oven. Preheat to 375°F.
2. In a food processor, or bowl of an electric mixer, thoroughly mix the flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt, and sugar. While pulsing, or on low speed, add the butter, and then the egg. Continue processing or mixing until dough comes together in a mass.
3. Take rounded teaspoons of batter and place on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet approximately two inches apart. With moistened hands, slightly flatten the dough. Bake for 9 minutes, rotating once for even baking. Set baking sheets on a rack to cool.
4. To make the cream, place butter and shortening in a mixing bowl, and at low speed, gradually beat in the sugar and vanilla. Turn the mixer on high and beat for 2 to 3 minutes until filling is light and fluffy.
5. To assemble the cookies, in a pastry bag with a 1/2 inch, round tip, pipe teaspoon-size blobs of cream into the center of one cookie. Place another cookie, equal in size to the first, on top of the cream. Lightly press, to work the filling evenly to the outsides of the cookie. Continue this process until all the cookies have been sandwiched with cream.

Eat Oreos!

XOXO,

Jamie

Low Fat Chewy Gooey Brownies

Sorry for the gap between postings! It’s been crazy busy here at CollegeGirlCooking. Right now I should be studying this high-yield problem on conservation of momentum…

Instead, I am writing this blog! Much more thrilling than physics.  So what have I been up to this past week?  Pretty much lots of studying and lots of good eats.

Wednesday I visited Darren. We went to a restaurant in Perrysburg called Zingo’s Mediterranean. I ordered the Vegetarian Trio sandwich. It featured falafel, hummus, and tabbouli salad all wrapped up in a grilled pita.  It also came with a side of pita chips. I absolutely loved the sandwich and the pita chips. Darren got the Chicken Tawook sandwich. He enjoyed his sandwich as well, but probably not as much as I enjoyed mine.  That evening we shared a pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Fair Goodness Cake”

It was good, but it wasn’t as great as my three favorites: Half Baked, Milk and Cookies, and Bonnaroo Buzz!

Friday I went out to dinner at a local restaurant with my Mom, Dad, and sister Allie. I got a Chicken Club sandwich with french fries. I thought the chicken would be grilled, but to my dismay, it was breaded and fried. It tasted alright, but it was much lower on the nutrition scale.  Later that night, Darren came home and we got ice cream. I had a cookie dough flurry, and Darren had a German chocolate cake flurry. We each ate half of our flurries, then traded and finished the rest. Darren is such a good boyfriend for putting up with my food sharing antics.
Saturday was basically all about food. My Mom, Dad, and I visited my brother in Cleveland. We went to the West Side Market.

It’s a gigantic market with fresh produce, cheese, meats, baked goods..basically anything you could ever want. We ate at the West Side Market Cafe where I ordered The Mellow Mushroom Burger which was a hamburger topped with Swiss cheese and mushrooms. It came with a side of delicious french fries. I also bought some cannolis at the market to take home. As usual, it was great to have a day with the family!

Then on Sunday Darren’s mom invited me to go along with her and Darren’s brother to visit Darren and go shopping. Of course, I was super happy to go along. We shopped throughout the afternoon. Darren’s mom bought me a University of Michigan T-shirt<—Hopefully I will be a medical student there someday! We ate at a fancy schmancy restaurant called J. Alexanders. I ordered the Veggie Burger with a side of fries. It was the best Veggie Burger I’ve ever had. I gave Darren a bite, and of course he didn’t like it. That man will never understand veggies. I had a really great day with Darren’s family.

So, in case you haven’t noticed a theme, there was a lot of fried food, restaurant food, and ice cream consumption in the past few days. How did this make me feel? Physically I felt fine. I ate decent portions, stopping when I was full. I also ate enough of my nutrient dense meals to compensate for all my restaurant meals. Mentally, I did not feel so fine. I felt really guilty and anxious about how indulgent I had been in my eating. I may have had a hysterical breakdown, bawling my eyes out, right in front of Darren. He was a good sport as always though, and just hugged me until I was ready to talk. There is nothing wrong with eating out a little more often than usual, or even overeating once in a while. It’s normal. It happens. My anxiety and guilt was a product of my eating disordered thoughts creeping back up on me. Recovery is about being able to stop thinking about calories and weight in order to properly assess the situation and address the ACTUAL cause of unhappiness. Now that I’m not so crazed and upset, I can clearly see that quite a number of things going on in my life are stressing me out. I’m sick of studying for the MCAT. I’m worried about having time to study for the MCAT during the school year. I’m nervous that my course load is too heavy this coming semester. I’m nervous about having a job for the first time while also taking classes. I’m sad that summer is ending. Food and weight have been familiar scapegoats for me in finding the source of my unhappiness or anxiety. It’s hard not to automatically turn to them whenever I’m scared or stressed, but I keep trying. And when I fall off track, I keep managing to get back on. That’s what recovery is all about.

On a happier note, today I baked brownies!

Low fat brownies. They are gooey and fudgey and delicious!  AND they’re from a mix, so they come together super quick and only dirty one bowl!

Low-Fat Chewy Gooey Brownies

• 1 box brownie mix (I used Pillsbury)
• 1/2 cup lite vanilla yogurt (I actually used Yoplait’s Boston Creme Pie)
• 1/4 cup water

Combine brownie mix, yogurt, and water in a large bowl until completely combined. OMIT the eggs and oil! Put batter in 9×13 inch pan and bake according to package directions. You may have to bake them for a couple minutes longer than called for on the package directions if they come out too fudgey.

EAT BROWNIES

XOXO,

Jamie